I will be real — I hate waiting .. yes we all do but maybe I am in that “chosen few” percentile who cant stand the word WAIT!
As if to add toppings to this Wait Cake I then have the silence, the in-betweens, the “Trust God” clichés that people toss around like candy while I sit here choking on questions they never can answer.
I am tired of relying just on God.
Not because I don’t believe in Him…
But because sometimes it feels like He’s the only one I have — and He is still silent.
And that silence? It feels cruel when someone across screams, “God spoke to me!!!!!”
My life feels like this long hallway with no signs. I keep walking, whispering prayers, pretending I’m okay, when all I want is someone to grab my shoulders and say, “Here’s why it’s all been so hard. Here’s what’s coming next.”
But no one says that.
And God? Sometimes I feel like He’s just watching. Distant. Quiet. Divine, but detached.
I push myself to hear verses and sermons… or read testimonials
“God is enough.”
“Be still and wait.”
But honestly? That doesn’t always comfort me.
Because when the loneliness hits hard… when no one checks in… when the self-rejection creeps in like a fog…
I don’t want to wait.
I want answers.
I want a connection.
I want something NOW!
And relying on just God in those moments? It doesn’t always feel solid. It feels like leaning on air. Praying into a void. Wrestling with a God I both believe in and feel deeply disappointed by.
And yet… I keep showing up.
That’s the crazy part.
I cry. I rant. I throw spiritual tantrums. I am trying to sound nice 🙂
I doubt, I cuss, I bargain, I break.
But I am so scared yet to away because deep down, the silence, the fury —
There’s still this tiny really tiny microscopic flicker.
This almost-pathetic, almost-holy flicker of belief that maybe God is still holding onto me even when I’m barely holding onto Him.
Some days, I don’t want to rely on Him. I want backup plans. I want people. I want proof.
But all I get is… faith.
This uncomfortable, invisible thread pulls me back into the mystery again and again.
So yes — I hate waiting.
I hate the uncertainty.
I hate not being in control.
I even hate how God sometimes lets me sit in that tension like He’s not in a rush to fix anything.
But maybe the hate is part of the holiness.
Maybe my frustration is still worship.
Maybe my rebellion still sounds like love to a God who sees my heart even when I’m yelling at Him.
This isn’t a testimony with a bow on it.
This is me — mid-prayer, mid-spiral, mid-faith.
Still unsure. Still angry. Still talking to a God I don’t always understand.
And weirdly, that gives me hope.
Because if He hasn’t left me in all this chaos?
Maybe I don’t need to have perfect faith.
Maybe I just need to stay in the conversation.
Even when I hate the waiting.
Even when I don’t want to rely on anyone, not even Him.
In my anger and ache I sincerely pray God Thank you for never giving up on me! Love you Lord 🙂